Theory and Practice

As we leave the iLoveFeedback class, the 21-day Challenge leaves us with the thought of practicing giving feedback every day for 21 days, to make it habit. It says don’t try and conquer the biggest feedback opportunity first, yet start with smaller ones and build up confidence before trying a big opportunity.

Now I have feedback on my mind every day, and I love opportunities to try the 5 Best-practice steps of feedback. And I have to confess, I am still on the "there is no feedback in dating" kick. As someone on the dating market, I support this theory, and LOVE opportunities to give feedback when dating; or at least find opportunities where the theory proves itself correct.

So I was on vacation and I met Esther from NY. She was on vacation with her family and she was a pleasure to talk to. She had been successful in her life, she enjoyed her family vacations, and I learned that she loves to set her clients up on dates. She has even been known to make online-dating profiles for family members and friends. Esther was a hoot to talk to by the pool. When she asked me if I was dating anyone and I said no, she told me I had to go online! It was the way to do it these days! I didn't disagree; I have been putting it off and putting it off. Not because I don’t want to meet someone, but because I am not sure how much time I wanted to invest in finding a mate right now in my life. Esther hit me strong and kept telling me that needed to do it.

So I get home from vacation, turn my BlackBerry on... and an e-mail reminder from my preferred dating site pops into my inbox. It was reminding me that the special pricing to join would expire at midnight. Through my exhaustion and Jet lag, I decided I would log on, and check the pricing, keeping Esther's words in mind.

Someone out there in dating land send me an IM, and said to myself, "self, what the heck, write back" and I did. I was tired and I offered up my e mail address to keep the conversation flowing. (I promise feedback is coming, it isn’t all about dating). We had some fun e mail exchanges back and forth, and then I got an email that had nothing for me to respond to. And through rereading the emails, I was picking up a tone of unhappiness, and I realized that was someone I didn’t want to date. Because I had nothing to respond to, I just didn’t respond. I got an email back from him a few days later asking where I went. I merely stated, 'your e mail had nothing for me to respond to, so I just didn’t.' He wrote me back again very quickly engaging me in more 'get to know you' questions, and I wrote back, and even opened the floor to other questions. I got no response.

Now because I had processed the data, I realized this was not someone I could see myself dating. I was ok with the ending of the communication, but this soul- like me is out there dating trying to find a mate. I could have said something like, "I picked up on some unhappiness in your e mails and realized I wanted to be with a happy person" instead of my "you gave me nothing to respond to" comment. And I could have said it directly to him, instead of telling my friend Greg, and all you out there in Blogland. But instead of knowing the theory of "there is no feedback in dating" and trying to change that path for someone, I played into old habits.

No one said feedback is easy, but the reality of feedback is that by saying it to someone, they probably already know it’s true. They might just need to admit it to themselves. If I were to say to this guy, 'it seems like you aren't entirely happy with your situation right now.' He would probably agree. He might know this piece of data, he just might not have seen how openly he was exposing it, or figure out the next steps to change it. Feedback shouldn't be shocking news, it should be awareness, and through offering it, the feedback should help advance results and relationships. In Dating we want both results, and relationships.... we want results to work in our favor and end up with someone, and we want a relationship to develop!

And since I am still on the market, and Esther is right- I should be dating. I am going to try and make it a point to provide feedback in dating situations. Hopefully next time I will tell the guy about it, or engage him in the conversation, before I tell you about it.