Is it Feedback or a Request

On my personal journey with feedback I have banged my head against the wall with this question: Is this a feedback opportunity or a request I have of the other person?

The good thing for me is that I am not alone in this world. Another class participant was encountering the same situation; she was not sure if her situation was a request or a feedback opportunity. So based on that, my guess is that there are others of us out there who find an opportunity to work on (with their 21-day challenge and beyond) and they aren't sure how to handle the situation.

The best advice that I have, and I only have it through personal experience, is to walk through the 5 Best-practice steps in iLoveFeedback. First of all, it makes you slow down a little and think about the situation rather than shooting from the hip, and finding yourself in a more confrontational situation. Secondly, I found, that by thinking through the process really resulted in me realizing I was asking a tough question.

My situation is/was with a friend who I recently lost, and I don't know why. By the way, breaking up with friends is worse than breaking up with boys- but that is a topic for another day. I was so upset about the path my friendship had taken that every time I thought about the feedback opportunity I got physically upset and emotional.... to me it was obvious this was close to my heart and I was struggling to Find my Zone. As I was trying to think about why I was offering the feedback, what's in it for them (WIIFT), I realized they made up their mind, and that really the only thing I realized was that I could put closure on the situation by knowing the cause of the friend-break-up. It was all about me, and that is not the reason for feedback. I wanted closure, and that was my request.

When I look at the definition of feedback "Feedback is information that is shared with another person for the distinct purpose of improving results or relationships" I thought my situation was a no-brainer. 'I want to improve this relationship, so I am going to give feedback.' My reality is that each situation is a little different. By working through the 5 Best-practice steps, and getting stuck on one of them, I was able to discover my real intent, and in this situation, it wasn't appropriate to offer feedback. I needed to ask the tough question, and wait for the answer.

So what is the difference between feedback and a request? My guess, and I will keep learning through experience, is that when I try to Get Smart about the situation, if I can not separate what is the intent, from what's in it for them, then it is time to really look at the situation, and see what the request might be.