Deliver the feedback, it is more than just words

The other day I had a great opportunity to work on my Keeping It Real activity from the training. My real life application feedback experience is one that I have been, and will continue to work on most of my adult life. And because feedback is all about advancing and maintaining relationships, my Keeping It Real activity is a feedback session with my father. As I said this is ongoing- I love my dad very much, and the opportunity that we keep working on is how to live in proximity to a child (me) while treating me as an adult.

My parents moved away from home at a young age and never looked back.

I on the other hand, went to college, kept going east, until I realized I loved Denver and wanted to be back here. I came back to pursue my Masters Degree and re-establish myself in Denver. I have been back for 4 years now.

I live very close to my parents, and one of the constant conversations we have is about how to balance me as their child, and me and an adult. It is actually pretty comical when I look at it. My dad still asks me questions like an inquisition, as if I was still in high school, and I push back like a rebellious teen... Not because I am hiding anything, but because of his tone and the way he asks the questions.

As my Masters is in Conflict Resolution, I sometimes call my self a conflict resolution specialist. Basically I try to use my communication tricks on my dad- sometimes it works, and sometimes it does not. But I try to teach him some skills to be more effective in delivering his message.

Over this past weekend I was over at my parent's house, my dad was heated about an interaction with my brother, and started yelling at me about something completely different and unrelated. I usually don't stand for letting him vent on me. So I got up and left, removing myself from the situation.

Later that night we had a family function. I was standing there talking with my dad and a family friend. We were discussing house hold rules, and how well do they stay enforced. I said I don't follow them, speaking of one in particular. And then I shared my rational. It is all about delivering the message. I said that the message gets lost because his tone often clouds the conversation. I was trying to explain that tone and body language make a large impact on the message that he delivers. If my dad actually wants me to follow house rules- he needs to deliver them in a clear way.

Granted I don't live there anymore. And if I had to follow house rules, I would want them to be presented in a way that I felt respected and empowered to embrace them. Needless to say, yelling them at me is not that way.

My dad's reaction was very rude and closed off. I tried to explain it rationally and he wasn't ready to hear it yet. I am going to keep trying though- because delivering a great message in a horrible way negates all effectiveness of the message to begin with. It also impacts large business decisions, promotions, and peace of mind. Have clear tone and body language that matches the message is imperative to having the message come across well.

Give it a shot... try explaining a simple concept and getting frustrated about it. See if the recipient is able to pick up the message of if your words get lost in your emotion.